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A glorious week in North London as Arsenal thrash Spurs ten nil!

Proof needed if proof be needed be that the so-called crisis at Arsenal is nothing but myth! Arsenal are in fine health, and despatched Middlesex Rovers into obscurity in this exhibition of attacking play!

We are now in the quarter finals of the cup, and in with a real chance of winning it! Put your broken cannons away, newspaper editors!

A splendid hat-trick for Miss Danielle Dunkton, a brace for Baroness Danielle Carter and a clean sheet for Lady Glove Butler Sarah Vernon were the highlights of a humiliating, soul-destroying defeat for the Middlesex Madams. New arrival Miss Bethany Mead, the Whitby Wonder, scored on her debut and Клавдия Kелли, the Russian Tsarina, Kim Jong-Little, Lady Katherine of Kilnamanagh and Dame Anna Johnson all bagged a goal.

It was a veritable ‘Deb’s Ball’ as Manager Peter Llewellyn had the confidence to start two charming young debutantes. Marquess Heather O’Reilly started out wide, stripping her sports crinoline off to reveal an appropriately modest pair of red and white bloomers. Kim Jong-Little, who bravely made her escape from North Korea via the Australian and North American Colonies late last year.

Lady Glove Butler Sarah Vernon stood behind a fortress comprised of Baroness Williamson, Flossie ‘Match Girl’ Williams and Dame Anna.

Tottenham’s team, made up of Home Counties petty criminals, women of ill-repute, swindlers, cutpurses, con-artists, circus sideshow oddities and knuckle-dragging oyster thieves were dominated from the very first whistle-peep, and Baroness Carter powered one home for one nil. Dame Johnson added a second with a far post foxtrot, before Baroness Carter, resplendent in the family pearls made it three for Woolwich. Kim Jong-Little made it four and then with pleasing neatness we went into the break five up from Miss Danielle Dunkton.

After the ladies had retired to the dressing rooms for a cup of tea with lemon and a quick lie down, Miss Dunkton carried on as she had before the break with a delightful how-do-you-do for six-nil. Клавдия Kелли, the Russian Tsarina came off the bench and scored our seventh whilst clutching on to her lucky Faberge egg, which couldn’t be kept in the dressing room for fear of theft by the untrustworthy Tottenham team. Penal transportation is no deterrent when you are genetically predisposed to thievery.

The Whitby Wonder made it eight, Lady Katherine of Kilnamanagh made it nine, before Miss Danielle Dunkton piled misery upon misery, applying the coup de grace for ten nil.

All in all, this splendid result gives Arsenal fans a welcome fillip, and we should all forget the tribulations of the men’s team, who capitulated against a side managed by Tony Pulis. This should be a hanging offence. The chaps need to pull their bloody socks up, take a long hard look at themselves, and other platitudes. They could do a lot worse than come and see our wonderful women play.

I am now very much a Ladies’ Man in more ways than one.