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A week without football is like a Gimlet with no Gin. Or a Full English with no bacon. Or a Boarding School with no caning. Absolutely no fun at all. We have had to sustain us this week only the news that our number nine may or may not be leaving; Mr. Windsor may or may not be leaving; Frederick Longshanks of the scarlet locks may or may not be returning; and Melvin Orwell will miss tomorrow’s clash with the Greatest Team in the Galaxy on Merseyside.

So in a departure from the normal witterings, I offer you a guide to Liverpool and its environs for anyone travelling north to-morrow.

A GUIDE TO LIVERPOOL AND ITS PEOPLES

THE PEOPLE OF LIVERPOOL

  • Liverpool has a population of 89 million, all but 35,000 of whom are Liverpool fans.
  • Everyone in Liverpool is funny. They cannot help it, they are the funniest people in the world and are always joking about. When they get too excited about a joke one of them has told, they tell each other to calm down.
  • The average IQ of an inhabitant of Liverpool is 153. They can usually speak three of four different languages including Ancient Greek.
  • Liverpudlians have the most elegant haircuts in the world and are dressed by England’s finest tailors. All the women are uniformly attractive and they all model in their spare time.
  • The employment rate in Liverpool is 100%.

THE HISTORY OF LIVERPOOL

Recently discovered writing tablets, dated to 43AD, include the following: In mundo optimum Liverpolitanus Populo. Sunt ridiculam et callidus est.’ which means ‘The People of Liverpool are the best people in the world. They are funny and clever.’

King John’s letters patent of 1207 announced the foundation of the borough of Liverpool. ‘I hereby declare that Liverpool is now the best ever City of anywhere in the world. Its womenfolk shall be uniformly attractive and its menfolk shall be graceful, well-educated and strong, and their football team will be the best team anyone has ever heard of.’

Through canny business practices and by the force of their sheer genius, Liverpool grew into the gleaming metropolis it now is, with no litter, or dog dirt, or poor people. In 1851 Liverpool was described as ‘The New York of Europe’, a title which hardly does justice to this shining City of Light.

FOOTBALL IN LIVERPOOL

Football was invented in Liverpool. This is a well-known fact in the city. Nobody played football before Liverpudlians. And nobody has played it better since that day in 3,000 BC when a Neolithic Merseyside man inflated a pig’s bladder and kicked it towards a fishing net. It is a well-known fact that this amazing goal was definitely goal of the month.

Liverpool Football Club were formed by a flight of angels sent by God soon after the birth of Jesus and by special scouse magic every Liverpool player has mystical angel magic in them when they play. The original heavenly Liverpool lineup was Arariel in goal, Kushiel, Leliel, Zadkiel and Marut in defence, Jehoel, Netzach, Poyel and Sariel in midfield, and Usiel and Ahriman up front. They won their first match 10-0.

Since then, Liverpool have won the top division of English Football 378 times, and were crowned Princes of Europe on 266 occasions.

Despite this success they are also the team treated most unfairly by referees, who fail to give Liverpool the 5 or 6 penalties they deserve in every match.

So Saturday should be a wonderful day, when Londoners make the trek to Liverpool , pinnacle of civilisation, for what will undoubtedly be a lesson in footballing greatness.