The Funeral of Arsenal Football Club’s Season 2016-2017
The coffin is be received by Reverend Bastin.
‘I am the resurrection and I am the life,
I couldn’t ever bring myself to hate you as I’d like.’
Epistles to Ian Brown, 1 Stone Roses Chapter 6 Verse 9
‘Since we believe that Lord Bendtner died and rose again, even so, through Bendtner, the Football Gods will bring with him those who have died. So we will be with the Lord Bendnter for ever.
1 Revefootballations Book 4 Chapter 2 Verse 4
The minister says:
We meet in the name of The Gods of Football.
Grace and mercy be with you.
The minister introduces the service
We have come here today
to remember before The Gods of Football our beloved Arsenal Football Club Season 2016/17
to give thanks for its short life;
to commend them to our Footballing Gods our merciful redeemers and judges;
to commit its body to be buried,
and to comfort one another in our gooner grief.
The minister says this prayer
Almighty Footballing Gods,
you judge us with infinite mercy and justice, every bloody season
and love everything you have made except it seems Arsenal Football Club.
In your mercy
turn the darkness of a soul sucking defeat at Stamford Bridge into the dawn of new life,
and the sorrow of our right-back being violently concussed into the joy of heaven;
through our Saviour, Lord Bendtner.
A hymn may be sung.
Prayer of Penitence
Footballing God of mercy,
we acknowledge that we are all sinners and gooners.
We turn from the field of play when yet another pass goes awry
and are mindful of all that Arsenal have failed to do including make a decent substitution at the right bloody time and be able to change our tactics effectively to counteract an opponent
forgive us for failing to shut down Eden Hazrd despite being given four opportunities to do so
and help us to live each day until May
in the light of Bendtner our Lord.
May The Footballing Gods forgive us our Gabriel Paulistas
and bring us to the eternal joy of a premier league title challenge that doesn’t fizzle out in February,
where dust and ashes have no dominion.
The minister invites the people to pray, silence is kept and the minister says this:
Merciful Footballing Gods,
hear our prayers and comfort us;
renew our trust in your Son, Mr. Windsor
whom you raised from Japan
strengthen our faith
that all who have stood in East, West, North and Clock Ends
will share in his resurrection;
who lives and reigns with you,
in the unity of the Holy Spirit of Herbert Chapman,
now and for ever.
Readings and Sermon
The Lord is my Bendtner;
therefore can I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in frustration
and leads me to a dark room with a bottle of whisky and a revolver
Please refresh our soul with an overpriced lager
and guide me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
Though I walk through the valley of the hot dog stall on the upper concourse,
I will fear no evil;
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me. Please let us finish above Tottenham this season.
You spread a table of utter shit before me every season
in the presence of those who trouble me;
you have anointed my head with the most disjointed display of uselessness I have ever seen
and my cup is not full.
Surely goodness and loving mercy shall follow me one bloody season,
Just bloody one season of consistency, just one, just bloody one, my lord.
Our Father in Highbury,
hallowed be your name,
A new keeper will come,
A nice proper one,
As good as David Seaman.
Give us today some Central Midfielders
Forgive us our Gabriels
as we get dominated by N’Golo Kante and Nemanja Matic.
Lead us not into Hull
but deliver us from weakness.
For the kingdom, the power,
and the glory are yours
now and for ever.
The minister stands by the coffin and may invite others to gather around it.
The minister says:
Let us commend Arsenal Football Club’s Season to the mercy of the Footballing Gods,
our makers and redeemers.
Silence is kept.