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This extraordinary document came into my possession this week, which sheds some light on the mysterious players meeting held before the Spurs game.

Minutes & Transcription of Arsenal Football Club First Team meeting

Call to Order

An extraordinary meeting of the Arsenal Football Club First Team was held on Saturday March 5th at an unspecified slum in N17. It began at 0900 and was presided over by Per Mertesacker with Mikel Arteta as secretary.


Voting members in attendance included Per Mertesacker, Gabriel, Laurent Koscielny, Tomáš Rosický, Mikel Arteta, Jack Wilshere, Mesut Özil, Olivier Giroud, David Ospina, Theo Walcott, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, Aaron Ramsey, Alexis Sánchez, Nacho Monreal, Santi Cazorla, Mathieu Flamini, Calum Chambers, Danny Welbeck, Héctor Bellerín, Joel Campbell, Petr Čech, Francis Coquelin, Mohamed Elneny, Matthew Macey.

Main Motions

To be less shit: Moved by Per Mertesacker and seconded that Arsenal should be less shit. The motion carried with 27 yeas in favor and 0 against.

To grow a pair: Moved by Petr Čech and seconded that Arsenal should grow a pair. The motion carried with 27 yeas in favor and 0 against.

To pull our socks up: Moved by Per Mertesacker and seconded that Arsenal should grow a pair. The motion carried with 27 yeas in favor and 0 against.


PER MERTESACKER: I bring this meeting to order. Any apologies? Theo, please put your hand down, we’ll come to you in a moment. I didn’t mean that sort of apology.

JACK WILSHERE: Yaya sends his apologies, he’s busy trying to single-handledly wipe MK Dons from the face of the earth. And Jenko sends his apologies, he’s caught typhus from the East End and is laid up. And Francis Coquelin will be late. He attacked a shop mannequin in Selfridges earlier – he thought it was looking at him funny, and then on the way back from the police station he slide tackled a cardboard cutout of a lollipop lady and hurt his foot.

PER MERTESACKER: Thanks Jack. Now. I know it is hard for a lot of you to be shouted at by a big German but please, let’s not mention the war.

JACK WILSHERE: You started it!

PER MERTESACKER: Not this again.

JACK WILSHERE: You invaded Poland!

PER MERTESACKER: We’ve all seen the programme, Jack. It is very amusing. Please can someone find Jack something else to watch on his sick bed? I’ve seen enough of him pretending to beat his car up with a tree branch and slapping Santi on the head with a spoon.

SANTI CAZORLA: I know nothing!

PER MERTESACKER: Please don’t encourage him. First, let us clear a few things up. We’ve been playing like arthritic amputees on a dark foggy night on the marshes who’ve overdosed on valium. Alexis, please stop doing press ups, we know you put a shift in. Héctor, now is not the time for laps. Do we agree?

FLAMINI: We have lost to Manchester United and Swansea, two of the worst sides ever to have competed in the premier league. RASHFORD scored. He will no doubt be playing for MK Dons at some point in the future. It is a disgrace! I’m not blaming anyone. (coughs loudly whilst saying “Gabriel”)

GABRIEL: I’ll fucking kill you!

PER MERTESACKER: Petr, hold Gabriel down. Today is not about blame…

DANNY WELBECK: I’m not surprised you’re saying that! Nothing wrong with the attack!

(Records show that Laurent Koscielny frantically starts pretending to wipe his nose with a finger pointing directly at Olivier Giroud)

OLIVIER GIROUD: Are you pointing at me, Welbeck? Look, it’s not like I’m not TRYING to score. It’s just that I am constantly exhausted from all this shagging. Also when the moon is in Taurus I cannot score. Don’t blame me, that’s an astrological fact.

PER MERTESACKER: Men. We are trying to unify the team, not divide it. Show of hands please. Who votes that we should be less shit?

(records show all 27 hands are raised)

PETR CECH: Good. Now it’s tie for Motion two, to grow a pair. Listen, I know that John Terry is the greatest scourge of modern civilized society, but he does possess a pair of testicles. Physically, of course, they are tiny. That is well-known in the world of football, but metaphorically, they are enormous.


THEO WALCOTT: What’s that supposed to mean?

JOEL CAMPBELL: I’m just saying.

(there is an awkward silence)

ALEXIS SANCHEZ: Do you want to see my pair? I do little exercises with them every morning to ensure they are firm and tight. I can make them dance to the Chilean national anthem, look. Puro, Chile, es tu cielo azulado; Puras brisas te cruzan también!

PER MERTESACKER: That’s superb work Alexis, but please put them away.

ALEXIS SANCHEZ: OK, how’s this for a different song? “Why did I come here from Spain? My team is so shit it’s a pain, I could have gone to Liverpool, but who wants to go to a Norman Desmond type club whose best days are thirty years gone.”

OLIVIER GIROUD: I hit the bar.

CECH: So you missed.

OLIVIER GIROUD: I hit the bar. That should be worth half a goal. I did not miss.

THEO WALCOTT: I would have scored.

(audible snort from Joel Campbell)

PETR CECH: Theo, bless you, but you can’t keep saying that every time you are dropped. It is becoming boring. This was the third loss in a row. It is not about blame. But it has to be said, you are very, very shit at the moment. I tell you what. You can tell the press about this meeting. Make it sound like you were one of the senior players who called it, OK? You’ll be playing against Hull. Even a player in your dire form should be able to score against them, eh? MAKE IT HAPPEN.


PER MERTESACKER: Vote. Who’s in favour of growing a pair?

(27 votes for the motion)

PER MERTESACKER: Right. This afternoon, we are playing a team from Middlesex. They are a little bit uppity this season, and St Totteringham’s Day is looking like it will fall quite late. If you get a chance, kick that walking scheißekopf Harry Kane. Francis, thank you for turning up by the way, Francis – if you get a chance, kick Harry Kane but PLEASE do not do it in non-threatening areas.

FRANCIS COQUELIN: I’ll try not to.

PER MERTESACKER: Good, Let’s take a leaf out of Chelsea’s book and repeatedly foul in the middle third. David. You are between the sticks today. Don’t mess it up!

DAVID OSPINA: When have I EVER messed it up?

PER MERTESACKER: The English phrase is “let’s not go there.” Right. Good. Now we know this club wasn’t even in London until the sixties. They have little right calling themselves a London club at all. They are uncultured oafs. They burned their own town. So we have to beat them. This league is highly winnable. You have all voted to be less shit and pull your socks up. So let us do it.

For glory!