Hello there,

my sincere apologies for the lateness of this blog but it was my friend’s 40th birthday last night. I can’t tell you exactly what time I got home although I know it was bright as we staggered through the mean streets of Crumlin and Kimmage. Also, I wish I could tell you that getting home brought an end to the drinking as it did not.

“How much is left of that bottle of rum”, I asked my friend whose 40th birthday takes place on Monday even though he had his party last night.

“None”, he said, via the iPhonic medium just a few short minutes ago.

Let me tell you, that takes your headache and multiplies it considerably. And then when you get up and find beer bottles around the sitting room, as well as a cup of tea that some mad person obviously had (and which I probably made), that makes it worse. Even the Arseblog basset is looking at me funny this morning. Either he joined in and now has the fear himself or he’s sending me into a shame spiral.

Anyway, there’s some Arsenal stuff going on I’m sure. The Mirror seems very sure that Samir Nasri will STAY at Arsenal. So much so that they have internet shouted it in this article. Which also says that the boss is set to spend £10m on really tall bloke from Blackburn and £15m on shit, but is left footed so people think he’s good when actually he’s just left footed, bloke from Aston Villa.

Honestly, if we spent £15m on Stewart Downing I’d have a little cry because obviously it would mean that Arsene has had a debilitating stroke of some kind. If he he were right footed he’d be Jimmy Carter. Yes, the former American president but also the former Arsenal player. I could think of fifteen million better ways to spend £15m and fourteen million of them are to go the KLF route and simply set fire to the money.

If we spent that much on Stewart Downing I would engage the services of Placards R Us and get a beautifully designed ‘Down with that sort of thing’ one made and I would follow Arsene wherever he went holding it aloft. Even at his funeral I would stand there, graveside, reminding him of the biggest mistake anybody has made in football, ever. £15m on Downing would make £7.5m on Bebe look like a bargain.

He is so terrible at football that he has an entire syndrome named after him.

Anyway, I’m hoping that this is simply more newspaper nonsense and that Arsene remains in full control of his faculties. I’m not one for knee-jerk reactions but if we sign Stewart Downing for £15m I will train and fund a group of football terrorists called The Continuity Real Honest-to-Goodness Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter IRA and my life’s mission will be to make him the first always on-fire footballer in the Premier League.

Elsewhere Alisher Usmanov has crawled out of his scummy lair to criticise the board for Arsenal’s lack of trophies. Even as drunk as I am this morning, and I really am, I can see through this as the populist bollocks it is. If I wanted a really fat person to tell me what this team needs then I am quite capable of finding that person and discussing the ins and outs of football with them. I do not need a Manchester United fan with the same legal team as Ryan Giggs to presume to speak for me. The fat cunt.

In transfer news, Gervinho says he has no comment to make and this is somehow news. It’s the equivalent of ‘Man kills 500 people in shotgun mayhem – just not yet’.

Lee Dixon says David Ginola was the player he most enjoyed kicking. I do like that side of the game. I know there are teams we play and there are players on those teams that I would very much like to kick. In fact, there’s one team, with one bloke at the back who, while I’m not a violent man in general, I would very much enjoy causing considerable pain and possibly some permanent paralysis. He just has one of those faces, you know yourself. I think we play them in a couple of weeks, I’ll let you know how I get on. He’s certainly worth a red card (but I’ll leave it late in the game so as not to affect the outcome of the match).

Right, I need bacon. And probably rum. Then 5-a-side. Sweet unholy Jebus help us all. Till tomorrow.