Subterrussian homesick blues

Huge disappointment this morning as Robin van Persie has ‘clarified’ the comments he made about Chelsea and Spain.

Crossing his fingers and trying not to break his hole laughing, he said:

I respect my colleagues of Spain and Chelsea and look forward to playing against them for many years to come. I sincerely hope that all football fans worldwide don’t take these misleading reports seriously. I wish you all a great summer!

Don’t worry, Robin, we know that this was just scurrilous journalism at its very worst. We know there’s absolutely no way you look at the Chelsea squad with anything other than the utmost respect. We understand that this was just somebody trying to make a scandalous story and there’s simply no call for suggesting that you would heartily enjoy the sight of John Terry being lowered into a vat of Abramovich’s boiling oil, shrieking for his mummy to save him, except she can’t save him, can she? No, she’s off shoplifting the dinner from Marks and Spencers.

Anyway, Robin’s honest and quiet dignity in all this means it should blow over soon and he can get back to ‘respecting them’ properly in the season ahead.

Meanwhile, Andrei Arshavin says he decided not to talk to the British media last season because he was concerned his poor English meant he couldn’t always express himself the way he wanted to, thus leaving what he said open to misinterpretation. Sadly, the plan kind of backfired:

However, it didn’t get any better after I decided not to talk to them. Now the British media take my interviews in Russia and translate them at random. And the situation gets even more absurd, when some of the domestic media take this English translation and retranslate it back into Russian.

Sorry, but that’s really quite amusing. A sort of Chinese whispers effect. His only option now is to never, ever say anything again. Or simply hire somebody who is fluent in English and Russian and then communicate via the medium of a Bob Dylan style video:

Arshavin Bob Dylan video

There would be absolutely no scope for being misunderstood then. It’d be a bit more time consuming than normal but then that’s the price you have to pay to get your message across these days.

France played last night with some Arsenal players in the team. England play later with some Arsenal players in the team.

Give-a-fuck-ometer

Latest on the Cesc thing, El Mundo say Barcelona have reached agreement over personal terms (for him and two other players, btw) and now they ‘only’ have to find agreement with the respective clubs.

Strikes me Barcelona aren’t really very good at this. Didn’t they reach agreement over Cesc’s personal terms last summer? I mean, why spend more time on it this year, unless Cesc has made increased demands – like a voucher for dinner twice at week at that Uruguayan restaurant on c/ del Rosselló which sears enormous chunks of meat on a wood fired grill which is at least 25 feet long as you come into the place.

If he hasn’t he’s a damn fool and I’d question the ability of his agent. One steak in there would keep you going for the best part of a week. That would definitely be in my personal terms if I were going to sign for Barcelona. As a double-agent, you understand. I’d still score the winning own goal for Arsenal should we ever meet in an important European fixture. Then I’d blame it on Valdes. He looks like he barely understands the concept of night and day, it’d be easy to confuse him.

Ridiculous transfer rumour of the day: The Star linking us with Jermaine Defoe. Now, I know Arsene has made a couple of odd deals recently but this would be beyond the very pale itself. Signing this scuttery little Spud would be conclusive proof that the Arsene we all loved was kidnapped and replaced by a cloned version, almost the same, just not enough to win a trophy and the clone is now going through some advanced DNA breakdown shit. Bleurgh, it’s just too horrible to contemplate.

Elsewhere Peter Odemwingie says a big club is trying to sign him:

A competent person, whose name I cannot disclose, has let me know that a top club has been expressing interest in me. I don’t know for sure [if it is Arsenal].

It all sounds very mysterious, doesn’t it? A competent person, no less. Those are usually the best kind of people to deal with. Far better than the skittish, let me tell you. Anyway, see what I did there? Under normal circumstances nobody would be that keen on Odemwingie but contrast his arrival with that of Defoe and it’s a full on win.

Granted it’s like the choice between having a cold and ebola, or a slightly gone off banana and a bowl of infected hippo spunk, but still.

Right, bank holiday continues here, the sun is out again and I reckon it’s time for last night’s BBQd lamb for breakfast. Have a charcoaly one, folks.