Ouch, I really shouldn’t be up this early but thanks to Mrs Blogs and the Blogette tormenting me this morning here I am. Everything I do I do for these lovely ladies and this is how they treat me. I shall have my revenge, oh yes.
We’ll start this morning with some quite unsubstantiated rumour – that we’ve apparently signed Hatem Ben Affleck for Â£16m. I can’t find anything in the paper this morning, only vague rumours on other blogs. This could be because I’m not looking hard enough or that I’m so hungover I’m actually blind but whatever. We’ll wait and see what happens but I was told last night by a very trustworthy source.
Emmanuel Adebayor rubbished claims that he wanted to leave the club yesterday. He said:
I rubbish claims that I want to leave the club. Those reports are rubbish and whoever made them up is completely rubbish and fat and orange. And rubbish.
Can’t say fairer than that, can you? The manager says there have been no new developments regarding Alexander Hleb but Hleb strikes me as the kind of bloke who wouldn’t say anything to the boss himself. He’ll wait until he’s been given his holidays then he’ll get his agent to inform the club he’s leaving, the spineless cunt. So you can see where Arsene is coming from but I’d still put all the money I had on Hleb leaving this summer. Even if it meant my family went hungry. Actually, after this morning, especially if it meant my family went hungry.
Meanwhile the boss says he’s not willing to let anyone else go and there are 220 players who want to join us. Did he count them all? That’s pretty fucking impressive. Here’s an idea – get rid of some of the shite like Hleb and Eboue and the chances are that of those 220 there must at least be a couple who aren’t as bad. Buy them. Hurrah, everyone’s happy. Quite why he wants to keep Hleb, a player who obviously wants to leave, is a mystery to me. We got shot of Diarra because he was about as committed to Arsenal as Gazza is to not being a fucking lush, the mad cunt. And I don’t want to hear any moaning about calling Gazza mad and respecting his ‘mental illness’. I don’t give a fuck. If he wanted me to respect his mental illness he shouldn’t have scored that goal in the 91 semi-final, should he? Cunt.
Wenger says it’s fishing time for the agents – those scummy bottom feeders will be trying to make as much money as possible between now and August 31st. These people are parasites, they suckle their living from others, their first objective is to make money for themselves, then comes any interest they might have in the player’s career. They lie, cheat and steal from clubs and their clients, they really are the most despicable bunch of cunts in the world. If you read tomorrow that Josef Fritzl was a football agent you’d say ‘Oh, now it all makes sense’. Cunts.
Jermaine Jenas says Sp*rs will be bigger and better than Arsenal next season. Frankly, why anyone pays the slightest bit of attention to anyone whose name rhymes with penis – and this is an important consideration when evaluating statements of bravado – (John Smith says ‘Sp*rs will be bigger than Arsenal!’ and I say ‘Hmmm, perhaps the man has a point’ but Derek Menis says ‘Sp*rs will be bigger than Arsenal!’ and I say ‘Be off with you, scoundrel, your name rhymes with my cock!’) – is quite beyond me. And talk about the boy who cried wolf. We hear this every year from Sp*rs and they still end up being the same shit-eating cunts they were the previous season. Cunts.
Tomas Rosicky will miss Euro2008. In fact, I have exclusive news. Tomas Rosicky has been ruled out of life until 2019.
I need a fucking breakfast roll and some coffee and the only thing I have is the coffee. I would trade you all the coffee I had for a breakfast roll now. I may have to go to Tesco. I can’t drive though because I’m still about 92 over the limit. Walking is for cunts. Jesus, this is one shit morning.