Folks, I fear I may have made a ghastly mistake. Long time readers of the blog will know that I suffered a deeply traumatic experience as a child. No, not when I was an altar boy and I had to change my robes in front of Father O’Touchy, but when my brother smashed up my Arsenal mug. This is why he is known as the Mug Smasher.
For years I harboured a grudge, taking quiet revenge by doing things like putting pubes in his dinner when he wasn’t looking and farting in his face while he slept. This brought some comfort but it did not bring back my high quality Arsenal mug. Then, just a few short years ago, he presented me with a brand new Arsenal mug as Christmas present. At last the guilt had gotten to him and balance was restored to the universe. From this mug I happily supped tea and coffee and once a concoction even worse than a JamribterÂ© but I’m too ashamed to tell you what was in it.
However, over recent days dark clouds have moving in slowly from the east and a sense of menace has just arrived in town on rickety old bus. I have been wondering why my mug was leaving tea/coffee rings on the desk in front of me. Yesterday afternoon, I made a cup of tea, put it down on the desk, went off for something (probably to have a poo), and when I came back the cup was half empty and the tea was on the desk. The mug was leaking. There is a crack on the inside, none on the outside but there’s no question about it. It’s leaking. It’s effectiveness as a receptacle is similar to that of Sp*rs back four’s ability to keep out goals. This presented me with a bit of a problem. As a small boy I had assumed that an Arsenal mug with an Arsenal logo had to be of the highest possible quality, simply because it was an Arsenal mug.
Now though, I have begun to wonder if it was simply a case that my Arsenal mug was smashed because it was of inferior standard to the Liverpool one he was clanging it against. When you consider that the second Arsenal mug has now become faulty the evidence is overwhelming. Two broken Arsenal mugs in 30 years. What are the odds? All this time I have blamed the Mug Smasher and in reality it’s just a natural design flaw with Arsenal mugs. Sadly it has come too late to mend our relationship beyond the superficial going out and drinking and getting drunk and playing golf and generally doing stuff together. So many years wasted. How could I have known? HOW COULD I HAVE KNOWN?
But now what do I do? Do I hope against hope that these two mugs were unrepresentative of the general Arsenal mug population and go out and get another one? Or is it a case of learning my lesson and realising the horrible truth about our ceramic tankards? It really is too much to get my head around. All advice gratefully received.
On to the football and Carlos Tevez has taunted Arsenal, according to the Mirror, saying that United are favourites for the title. Honestly, if I looked like I’d been half-eaten by a bear then inserted in monster’s vagina and squeezed out so fast I landed face first in a field of cactii and broken bottles before being dragged along the ground on my face for 10 miles I don’t think I’d be doing a lot of taunting.
Kolo Toure is doing great captainy stuff this season and is doing his best to make sure the players don’t get too carried away with our great form. He’s warning that we haven’t won anything yet and he’s right. He’s also very unhappy with Paul McShane’s tackle on Alex Hleb and he’s right too. You might remember a couple of years back Dennis Bergkamp getting sent off for not stamping on Jamie Carragher so McShane’s attempts to castrate Hleb more than merited a red card in my opinion. Between that challenge and Mark Noble’s the week before the handsome Belarussian has come in for some rough treatment in the last couple of games. I wouldn’t be at all surprised to see Ivan Campo run him through with some kind of cutlass when we play Bolton at home on Saturday week.
Emmanuel Adebayor says Arsenal are capable of winning ugly this season which is making the difference.
William Gallas says he’s fit to play for France. Quelle surprise. I suppose he’ll come straight back into the side provided he doesn’t rupture another arse cheek or whatever the hell his problem is. It will be interesting to see how, or if, it affects the team given how defensively solid we’ve been (Sunderland apart) up to now.
Apparently we’re looking at a Norwegian goalkeeper. That’s according to press reports in Norway and without meaning to cause offence to any of Arseblog’s wonderful Norwegian readers we all know what the press in Norway are like. That’s a lie. Sorry. I have no idea what they’re like. The player’s name is Rune Almenning Jarsteina. I’ve forgotten it already.
Micah Richards says he dreams of playing for Arsenal one day. He’s quite the talent this lad and I feel well placed to offer him advice on this because I too dreamt of playing for Arsenal. However, I saw my dreams horribly scuppered by the discovery of drinking cider in fields, lying in bed and generally being a lazy cunt. So, Micah, don’t go out on a Friday night and get cunted on Linden Village then wander around the streets before stopping off at the chipper before going to bed and not getting up until 2pm the following day. Then you might just have a chance.
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